Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
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*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”