[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
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Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
“i am a sweet baby”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.