Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
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stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one