me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
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Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
LOOOOOOL
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.