I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.