Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
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[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*