Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
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[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My ideal weight is five million dollars
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
181.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My dad teaching me to drive
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.