When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
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In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.