My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
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*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.