BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
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me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church