internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
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Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Home #decor warning.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries