WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
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DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Born to be mild.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.