cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
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I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?