Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
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Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
can you read it!!??
maan!
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it