My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
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Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?