oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
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“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.