Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
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Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.