me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
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british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.