The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
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Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
😲 WTF? 😆
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Love this one 😂🧟
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?