Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
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THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!