Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I cannot call her anything else now
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
just left a huge legacy in there
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!