For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
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That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
My flabber has been gasted.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.