[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
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Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
We cut our bangs at dawn.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.