My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
You Might Also Like
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
New Tinder profile.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me