I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
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Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd