My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
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How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]