Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
You Might Also Like
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am