I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
You Might Also Like
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.