[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
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[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*