Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
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I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Batman v Dracula
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.