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Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person