me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
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-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Love it! 👍😂
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.