In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
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My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Matt Goss
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.