Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
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I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms