Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
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We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
This is I, Robot all over again
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Dear Lord..
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger