Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?