[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
You Might Also Like
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.