Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
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*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Flowers bee like
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
i hate you platonically
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.