Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
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I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
how was your vacation
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]