What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
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The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
this is literally a CIA plant
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I unironically love this joke.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.