I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
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Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
What an awful time to have common sense.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper