friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
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My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.