Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
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3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.