I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
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this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I identify as an antique shop.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.