My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
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me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
These 3D printers are insane!
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming