Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
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just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
fixed it
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.