When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
You Might Also Like
*bites zombie*
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,