*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
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I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.