Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
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me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
who wants to go expliring
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone