Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
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I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“just sayin” who asked you though?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”